


The Healing Balm of Your Name

by Nihonkikuasa211



Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Repression, F/M, Tag to 1x05, Tag to 1x15, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-03-21
Packaged: 2018-05-28 01:39:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6309196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nihonkikuasa211/pseuds/Nihonkikuasa211
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Christa understood that she had hurt Neal. The reason why she had broken up with him wasn't because of anger. Rather, it had been because she wasn't willing to have her heart broken again. It was her voice that brought Neal back to reality again as two patients died, and Christa follows Neal after he walks away. Will they be able to connect again, and perhaps more? MId-season two.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Healing Balm of Your Name

**Author's Note:**

> I just needed to write something about these two even though I'm supposed to be doing my assignments now. And to write something about my headcanon about how Neal deals with heartbreak and hurt. Hopefully something similar to this scene will happen in season two.

_The Healing Balm of Your Name_

            “Neal.”

            The one word was enough for the surgical attending to look at her. She could see through his dark eyes that pain was mounting even though Neal – always, her sweet Neal – was trying to hide the pain inside. Two patients had died today, Christa had watched them die, had seen as Neal appeared to unravel at the sound of the flat line. Her blue eyes had drowned with pain as she watched her former boyfriend preform CPR, words in her mouth that she knew that he wouldn’t… She remembered the time when he had last been like this. The caterer from the international neurosurgery conference had died, and Christa had seen of how everyone seemed frozen as the attending kept of performing CPR despite there being no life. His breathing had heaved, coming in pants as Christa called his name. It seemed that her voice had brought him back. Brought him back from his mind that Christa knew so well, as his eyes stared into hers.

            The same was happening now.

            Only, instead of only two residents and a couple of nurses in the quarantine, the entire ER had watched as Christa’s voice brought back Neal to reality. She could see the muscles tensing in his jaw as the dark-haired attending asked if there were any objections. Christa could see no one was willing to meet his gaze.

            “Time of death.” There was a strange emptiness in Neal’s voice as he spoke. “2:54 a.m.”

            Christa hitched her breath slightly as Neal’s eyes moved over to hers. There was so much pain – so much that Christa wondered if Neal had been holding it inside for a long time. Ever since they had broken up, their relationship had been cordial. Christa pretended to not notice the way Neal looked at her when she thought she wasn’t looking, just as she pretended to not feel the agonizing longing as she slept alone. She missed him.

            So much so that Christa hadn’t thought that she would miss anything more, except her beloved son. But…how could she explain that to him? How could she explain that the reason why she ended what they had was not out of anger – but because she couldn’t handle being rejected again? Christa bit her lip as she watched Neal walk away, knowing that his mind was inwardly screaming to run, run, but he did not. Instead, his feet torturously walked slowly away. _Why do you hide?_ Christa thought as she watched Neal’s back, inwardly fighting tears. _Why do you hide…from so much? You didn’t tell me about Grace. Of how she broke your heart, and that you wanted to marry her. And now…you’re bottling up your pain again, as if it would go away._

_Why do you do this to yourself?_

“You should go to him.”

            Christa was surprised to see that it was Grace who had spoken. The female attending was looking down at the dead bodies of the patients, a sad expression on her face before she lifted her head and stared at Christa.

           “I don’t care if you’re not together anymore, Christa.” A deep sigh escaped from the African American woman, and a brief smile framed her face. “Your voice brought him back, and you would be a fool to not realize of how much you mean to him.” Christa swallowed, and remembered the memories she had done her best to forget. Three blissful months she had with Neal. Christa had thought that she would never be so happy. She remembered of how Neal had often stroked her fingers right before they went to sleep, and of how she usually awoke to the sound of cooking, a soothing and beautiful tenor echoing in her ears as she awoke. The blissful moments, of complete happiness, had become marred with insecurity and uncertainty as Grace Adams came back. Eventually, Christa realized that she wasn’t willing to take another broken heart. To know that she had been a second choice. But in the process, she had hurt Neal. The hurt and pain in his eyes haunted Christa, and as she stared into Grace’s eyes as the attending spoke to her, the blond realized that she too was thinking of the mess she had caused.

            “We both caused him pain, but it you who truly deserves him.”

            Christa could only nod, her complicated feelings for Grace coming to a standstill as she realized that the woman who Neal had wanted to marry was confessing that she still loved him. Christa turned, the sounds of the ER sounding faint to her ears as she looked for Neal.

            “Neal?” she called. “Neal?”

            She found him sitting where she had been months ago after the death of Gina. He looked so still, and Christa carefully sat down next to him. For a moment, she listened to the silence between them. A part of her wondered if Neal even knew that she was there.

            “I watched you as you were lying here after Gina died.” The blond resident looked at Neal, who inwardly looked as if he was holding his breath. His dark eyes looked at her, and the second-year resident could see of how pain was coming thickly out of his voice. “I wanted to say something, but couldn’t. All I knew was that I had caused you to hurt, and I didn’t want that to happen again.” A lost look appeared in his eyes. “I hurt you anyway, though.”

            “That boy and his father…the patients that died…they reminded me so much of myself and my father.” Neal heaved a breath, and his dark eyes blinked. Christa resisted the urge to hold his hand, resisted the urge to do anything as she saw the pain – six months of pain since they had said goodbye – breaking apart. “I heard them exchange harsh words, the son telling his father to never humiliate him again, and that he wished that he would just die.”

            “My relationship with my father…the relationship I had with you and Grace,” and here Neal paused. His hands clenched, and Christa could see that he was struggling to say the words that came from his mouth. “I remember when my father said he was very proud of me, and of how his embrace felt. And I wonder…” A breath hitched. “I wonder if you and I will exchange a similar correspondence.”

            “Neal…” Christa whispered. She touched his hand, and moved closer to him until their knees were touching. “I hurt you too, Neal. Don’t take it all on yourself. You and I are actually alike.” She could Neal look at her in faint surprise. “We both feel very deeply. Whereas I wear it on my sleeve, you hold it in. You hold it in until your heart can’t take it anymore, and it becomes unbearable. Like what happened today.” Her smaller fingers squeeze his hand, and started stroking his fingers. “Don’t hold it in anymore, please.” She could feel her eyes wince at the unshed tears. “Let me be a friend to you, the one who can listen.”

            “You always bring me back.” Neal licked his lips and stared at Christa’s face, his gaze never lingering. “Your voice…the sound of my name coming from your lips…brings me back.” A lone tear streaked down his cheek and onto his scrubs. “You were a healing balm, Christa.” A sad smile graced his face, and the blond resident held his hand tighter. “You caused the pain to go away and to heal.”

            _The same for me,_ Christa thought as she continued to look at the man who – still – made her feel so safe.

            “I still hold it in, but it’s been a habit since I was a boy who kept the sharp words from his father hidden inside his heart.” Neal paused, and his fingers slowly started to caress Christa’s hand. “Our break-up made me realize that had to change.” A half-smile framed his face. “It hasn’t truly happened in full.”

            “It’s okay,” Christa whispered. Her hand wouldn’t let go of his. “It’s okay,” she continued to soothe, looking into Neal’s eyes. _I still don’t understand of how I could let you go,_ the blond resident thought as she continued to stare into his eyes. The pain was still there, so deep inside, that Christa slowly lowered her forehead onto Neal’s.

            It was something that had happened a long time ago, and yet felt like it was yesterday. She was so close to him that Christa could hear Neal’s breathing, calmer and deeper now that she was by his side. This time, the female could see hesitation in Neal’s posture as their foreheads continued to rest against one another.

            This time it was Christa who initiated the kiss. She could feel Neal’s lips gently across her own, barely touching but still able to feel the wanted touch. It was brief, barely lasting a few seconds before Christa pulled away. She continued to stare at Neal, watching his eyes as he looked into hers. Perhaps one day she would know, but Christa didn’t know what he was thinking.

            “Come home with me,” he whispered. There was so much genuine longing and gentleness. Christa pretended to not know that she was crying, and Neal leaned his forehead against hers. They stayed there for a couple of moments, motionless to all else.

            Their lips found each other again, longer and sweeter this time, and when Christa pulled away, she could see the empty look in Neal’s eyes fade away.

            “Of course,” Christa stated softly. She kissed Neal’s lips again, breaking apart after a long moment as her hands combed through his hair. “Of course I will…my darling.”

            “I love you,” Neal hoarsely gasped. Tears flowed freely from his eyes at the words that Christa know knew that he meant to say.

            “I love you too,” Christa said. A warm feeling in her stomach formed as Neal’s fingers started to stroke her own.

            “And I will never again let you go.”


End file.
